LIFE CHEZ DEE

We’ve been out out. Doesn’t happen too often these days. Yes we go out, as a family, with the boys, we go out for lunch or coffees, but rarely do we get dressed up and go out … just the two of us … and we even stayed out all night! I was both delighted and privileged to be invited to a dinner dance at Derby County Football Club, by Steve Dayman, founder of Meningitis Now. Right from the day Edward died, Steve has been there for us. Steve founded Meningitis Now (or Meningitis

It’s April already, and with this comes the thoughts, the build up, the feeling which permeates every bit of my being, knowing that we’re in the days approaching Edward’s birthday. What I should be doing is hiding the presents I’ve bought him, finalising party arrangements, putting aside cards which arrive through the letterbox so that all these surprises are there waiting for him to excitedly open when he gets up in the morning. But that is far from reality now. I will get u

Today is Mother’s Day. Normally I’m awakened by the boys coming into our bedroom to wake me and wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Today I woke early, particularly early in fact, and not feeling able to nod off again, I just got up. I do actually quite like it when it’s quiet downstairs, and whilst the boys were still snoozing I got on with all sorts of chores … feeding the cats, letting them out, cleaning the litter, putting a washer load on, emptying the dryer and folding the cl

I have read, read, read and read so many pieces, articles, writings, thoughts and experiences of others’ grief. Those who are grieving parents, grandparents, distant relatives, friends, siblings, children, babies (those who were born and lived a short while, those born sleeping, or those lost before they reached term). I’ve probably focussed more on reading about those who have experience of child loss, since my experience of this has been far more overwhelming and debilitati

Losing a child is different to any other loss. My child died, and on every possible imaginable level, that is wrong. The death of a child is not something anyone is prepared for or should ever happen. As a mother, the instinct to protect your child is always there. Not being able to protect your child; or save your child from dying goes against everything that motherhood stands for. This is not the natural order of things, and goes against the normal cycle of life. Watching

I wanted to talk about Edward's place; Edward’s grave. This might seem like a strange subject to talk about, but as this is going round in my mind, and I’m in the habit now of offloading all that stuff, then this is something I need to talk about and share. Edward is buried; I couldn’t bring myself to have Edward cremated. I watched him die. I visited him daily for the two weeks until we buried him. He was beautiful. For me, it felt like I needed to have that vision in my h

How are you? A very simple question. One which is asked all the time; but one which is so difficult to answer at times. One which was almost unbearable to hear, and so unbelievably hard to answer in the days and weeks after losing Edward. It’s a question I hadn’t analysed too much until I was in a position where I felt unable to answer. How are you? It’s said so often, by so many. Just in passing … in the street, in the shops. It’s the question you want people to ask; whilst

So this week has been all about love. How do I feel? I don’t know how to articulate a quick and straightforward answer to that. I wake up on Valentines Day and the first person I think about is Edward. Edward is the first person I think about every day in fact. Edward is ALWAYS in my head the minute I wake, and ALWAYS in my head as I drift off to sleep. My love for Edward is forever. My love for all my children is forever. My love for my children is shown in hugs, kisses and

Those of you who follow my page may recall quite some time ago, I wrote a piece about *Edward and Raphael. Raphael’s bench is behind Edward’s bench, both of which sit underneath the magnificent oak tree in the cemetery. Today we went to the cemetery to visit Edward again. It was nice to be able to drive in, it has been so long since we’ve been able to do this as the gates have been closed to cars (unless attending a funeral) since lockdown. Although it is only a short walk up

I’ve been doing loads of sorting out lately … sorting, clearing, filing, tidying. There’s still lots more of gardening sorting to be done for me to feel accomplished, but given the inclement weather of late I’ve turned my attentions to sorting inside the house. I’ve bundles of stuff ready for the charity shop and I’ve given lots away via a local freecycle site … and it’s rather liberating that decluttering is well underway. I wouldn’t describe ourselves as hoarders by any str