LIFE CHEZ DEE

It’s the last session in this Advent series I’ve joined. The course has been about hearing and listening, and today we are invited to go to a very deep place, where we have to listen with our hearts and not just our ears; a place where reading and understanding are just not enough. Light of the world, you stepped down into darkness We begin as always with listening to a song, and again as always, I’m not keen. But I do listen to the words, because as always there are always

I didn’t sleep last night. Happy that we’d had such a lovely, albeit very cold and wet, day out in Manchester to celebrate Justin’s birthday, and to see my big boy, who is loving University life, but goodness how I miss him. We ate, drank, chatted, and wandered and it was such a lovely day together. Such a bittersweet time. The birthday celebrations for Justin, and yet the memories of 5 years ago are so painful. 5th December is a date etched into my heart. The day five yea

We’ve been out out. Doesn’t happen too often these days. Yes we go out, as a family, with the boys, we go out for lunch or coffees, but rarely do we get dressed up and go out … just the two of us … and we even stayed out all night! I was both delighted and privileged to be invited to a dinner dance at Derby County Football Club, by Steve Dayman, founder of Meningitis Now. Right from the day Edward died, Steve has been there for us. Steve founded Meningitis Now (or Meningitis

I sat today, as I would normally do, to write a piece. I’d got a few ideas of where my writing would take me today, but as I opened the computer, there was the face of my beautiful boy, Edward. I’d posted on social media about it being bereaved parents’ month, and written a quote from another grieving mother about what was normal after your child dies. "Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horro

I lost my voice recently. Not physically, but it could just as easily have been. There was so much I was thinking about, experiencing, processing that I needed to write about, but for one reason or another, I felt unable to put those thoughts, feelings and emotions into my writing, or at least writing I was able to publish. I was totally lost. I know I don’t usually hold back; I’m more than aware that my writing is raw and from the heart, but I knew that the raw emotions I wa

Tonight was the penultimate session in the Lent course, and this evening we were exploring fellowship, and I thought about how nice it was to be fellowshipping again this evening with our usual little group of people. I often glance through the course notes prior to the sessions beginning, and this evening’s notes began with “it takes a village to raise a child”, and went on to talk of the importance of supportive relationships to healthy personal development. This is also tr

In advance of the Lent course this evening I glance through the session notes. Meeting God is the starting point and ultimate goal of true prayer. Asking God to make a difference in our lives and in our world. May your will be done on Earth as in Heaven. After much shenanigans getting into the zoom call, being heard, and trying to work out how to get a picture of the cat off my background, I managed to slip into the meeting. Discussions were already happening as to which city

Today is Mother’s Day. Normally I’m awakened by the boys coming into our bedroom to wake me and wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Today I woke early, particularly early in fact, and not feeling able to nod off again, I just got up. I do actually quite like it when it’s quiet downstairs, and whilst the boys were still snoozing I got on with all sorts of chores … feeding the cats, letting them out, cleaning the litter, putting a washer load on, emptying the dryer and folding the cl

International Women's Day has come round again. Every year I think of so many women who inspire me, and this year is no different. I wrote this piece a couple of years ago, still as relevant today as it was then so I thought I'd republish it. It was International Women’s Day this week. My social media newsfeed was full of inspirational quotes; of stories of inspirational women, strong women, women paving the way and inspiring generations of women. I was privileged to be inv

This probably isn’t the best time for me to be writing this piece. I’m angry. I’ve totally had it with people who say the most offensive things to me. It happens so often, far too often quite frankly. I’d actually just been talking with friends about some of the horrid remarks which have been said to me these last few years, and I don’t know if this conversation tempted fate, but later the same afternoon … wham! Another one was hurled at me, quite consciously and quite pointe

I’ve listened on many occasions to the positives and negatives of social media, and indeed the time spent on it. So just how much is too much? And at what point does it become an addiction? For years I was sceptical about using social media. Ridiculously unnecessary I thought. Who wants to look at what others are eating for their tea etc etc. I eventually decided to take the plunge in about 2013. I felt as though I was missing out on knowing what was going on with stuff gener

I have read, read, read and read so many pieces, articles, writings, thoughts and experiences of others’ grief. Those who are grieving parents, grandparents, distant relatives, friends, siblings, children, babies (those who were born and lived a short while, those born sleeping, or those lost before they reached term). I’ve probably focussed more on reading about those who have experience of child loss, since my experience of this has been far more overwhelming and debilitati

Losing a child is different to any other loss. My child died, and on every possible imaginable level, that is wrong. The death of a child is not something anyone is prepared for or should ever happen. As a mother, the instinct to protect your child is always there. Not being able to protect your child; or save your child from dying goes against everything that motherhood stands for. This is not the natural order of things, and goes against the normal cycle of life. Watching

I wanted to talk about Edward's place; Edward’s grave. This might seem like a strange subject to talk about, but as this is going round in my mind, and I’m in the habit now of offloading all that stuff, then this is something I need to talk about and share. Edward is buried; I couldn’t bring myself to have Edward cremated. I watched him die. I visited him daily for the two weeks until we buried him. He was beautiful. For me, it felt like I needed to have that vision in my h

Its funny how over analysis comes into play when something significant happens to you. It makes you think, and question, and ask, and challenge. You learn what things really matter; what your priorities are; you look at things from a different perspective. Losing my child was devastating; it turned my world upside down. It has made me overthink and overanalyse, it has made me oversensitive and vulnerable. But this over analysis doesn’t stop at situations, the company you keep

How are you? A very simple question. One which is asked all the time; but one which is so difficult to answer at times. One which was almost unbearable to hear, and so unbelievably hard to answer in the days and weeks after losing Edward. It’s a question I hadn’t analysed too much until I was in a position where I felt unable to answer. How are you? It’s said so often, by so many. Just in passing … in the street, in the shops. It’s the question you want people to ask; whilst

So this week has been all about love. How do I feel? I don’t know how to articulate a quick and straightforward answer to that. I wake up on Valentines Day and the first person I think about is Edward. Edward is the first person I think about every day in fact. Edward is ALWAYS in my head the minute I wake, and ALWAYS in my head as I drift off to sleep. My love for Edward is forever. My love for all my children is forever. My love for my children is shown in hugs, kisses and

1st January 2021 … a new year … new beginning … time to start anew. After my first lie in of the new year, I awoke to find the upstairs landing full of William’s duvet, pillows, sheets etc etc. What on Earth happened in the night? Well, one of the cats had the shits it seems, all over William’s bed, which he didn’t discover till he eventually decided to make his way to bed in the early hours. What a great surprise that was for him. What a way to bring the new year in. I disco

And so tonight was the fifth and final session in the advent series of discussions I’ve been a part of, with tonight’s topic being on “Ways and Means”. Tonight we thought about the innkeeper, who offers hospitality to Mary and Joseph, and we think about how much we ourselves want to offer hospitality and have purpose. We think about then, how the innkeeper must have felt about having no rooms available to offer, but wanting to help and offering what he could; and today how we

I awoke this morning earlier than usual, probably nudged by Edward, who even though is always on my mind, was even more so today … if that was even possible. 5th December 2016 – only four years ago; feeling so long ago, and yet only like yesterday; each and every detail remembered. Vivid thoughts, memories and feelings wash over me, flood me, drown me. Without much warning, I could feel the tears in my eyes welling up and starting to pour down my face and onto my pillow as I