LIFE CHEZ DEE

Have you seen me lately? You might have missed me, there’s a lot less of me now than there was 6 months ago. I’ve been trying to lose weight, and really making a conscious effort to, but in a way which was not only going to be effective, but also steady and indeed sustainable. The science is all there. Consume less than you burn in energy and the weight will come off. It’s true. But it’s been hard. I’m not as young as I once was, and just cutting down, doesn’t actually cut

I lost my voice recently. Not physically, but it could just as easily have been. There was so much I was thinking about, experiencing, processing that I needed to write about, but for one reason or another, I felt unable to put those thoughts, feelings and emotions into my writing, or at least writing I was able to publish. I was totally lost. I know I don’t usually hold back; I’m more than aware that my writing is raw and from the heart, but I knew that the raw emotions I wa

Today is Mother’s Day. Normally I’m awakened by the boys coming into our bedroom to wake me and wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Today I woke early, particularly early in fact, and not feeling able to nod off again, I just got up. I do actually quite like it when it’s quiet downstairs, and whilst the boys were still snoozing I got on with all sorts of chores … feeding the cats, letting them out, cleaning the litter, putting a washer load on, emptying the dryer and folding the cl

I have read, read, read and read so many pieces, articles, writings, thoughts and experiences of others’ grief. Those who are grieving parents, grandparents, distant relatives, friends, siblings, children, babies (those who were born and lived a short while, those born sleeping, or those lost before they reached term). I’ve probably focussed more on reading about those who have experience of child loss, since my experience of this has been far more overwhelming and debilitati

I wanted to talk about Edward's place; Edward’s grave. This might seem like a strange subject to talk about, but as this is going round in my mind, and I’m in the habit now of offloading all that stuff, then this is something I need to talk about and share. Edward is buried; I couldn’t bring myself to have Edward cremated. I watched him die. I visited him daily for the two weeks until we buried him. He was beautiful. For me, it felt like I needed to have that vision in my h

How are you? A very simple question. One which is asked all the time; but one which is so difficult to answer at times. One which was almost unbearable to hear, and so unbelievably hard to answer in the days and weeks after losing Edward. It’s a question I hadn’t analysed too much until I was in a position where I felt unable to answer. How are you? It’s said so often, by so many. Just in passing … in the street, in the shops. It’s the question you want people to ask; whilst

So this week has been all about love. How do I feel? I don’t know how to articulate a quick and straightforward answer to that. I wake up on Valentines Day and the first person I think about is Edward. Edward is the first person I think about every day in fact. Edward is ALWAYS in my head the minute I wake, and ALWAYS in my head as I drift off to sleep. My love for Edward is forever. My love for all my children is forever. My love for my children is shown in hugs, kisses and

Those of you who follow my page may recall quite some time ago, I wrote a piece about *Edward and Raphael. Raphael’s bench is behind Edward’s bench, both of which sit underneath the magnificent oak tree in the cemetery. Today we went to the cemetery to visit Edward again. It was nice to be able to drive in, it has been so long since we’ve been able to do this as the gates have been closed to cars (unless attending a funeral) since lockdown. Although it is only a short walk up

I’ve been doing loads of sorting out lately … sorting, clearing, filing, tidying. There’s still lots more of gardening sorting to be done for me to feel accomplished, but given the inclement weather of late I’ve turned my attentions to sorting inside the house. I’ve bundles of stuff ready for the charity shop and I’ve given lots away via a local freecycle site … and it’s rather liberating that decluttering is well underway. I wouldn’t describe ourselves as hoarders by any str

I think if I had to sum up all the things which have helped, and still help me through difficult days, I’d have to say time … and I don’t really mean that in the sense of quantity; or in the sense of measurable or quantifiable; I don’t mean a timescale of one date to another … when I say time I refer to this in terms of time doing what I needed to do, and being who I needed to be … time out; time to think; time to process; time to be; time taken willingly; and time which was

The most wonderful time of the year! … or is it? I can’t imagine it’s that wonderful for the person who is homeless, or the person without food, or money to pay for rent, or heating, or those who are unable to afford buying presents for their family. It won’t be a wonderful time for those ill in hospital, or those ill at home. Those who work will probably have had more wonderful times, as too will those who are alone or who have lost loved ones. December will never be the sam

This weekend I have been sad. Really sad; overwhelmingly sad; so sad I couldn’t even hide the sadness behind a smile, and pretend I was ok. This weekend I have needed to be what I needed to be. I needed to be sad. Every time I’m like this I cannot see beyond it. I can’t rationally analyse why I’m feeling the way I do. I can see everything that’s wrong … in EVERYTHING. My head telling me that I need to stop, I need to take time out … which I do; I sit, and I breathe, and I try

We’ve just spent the day with Meningitis Now at one of their Forever Days, to support families who have been affected by meningitis in some way. The day was held at Alnwick Castle, Northumberland. We knew it was a bit of a trek for us, but given that it was ages since we had been on a support day, and given that we had nothing planned this weekend, we decided to apply to attend the Forever Day, and make a weekend of it. We managed to get a very cheap deal with a Premier Inn n

The summer holidays are drawing to a close, and we’re almost back to the routine of school and college. The early mornings, the chaos of bag packing, rushing to school, finding lost shoes, making packed lunches etc etc. There’s always partly some relief that the school term has started again, bringing routine back into our lives. For some reason I don’t seem to be able to keep track of what day of the week it is without the routine of school, and all the clubs and activities

It was my birthday this week. Another year gone by far too quickly. I decided that I’d just write about the weekend, just about life as it is Chez Dee. “You know that blogs are meant to be entertaining don’t you mum?" says William. "The term blog literally means “to entertain”.” No I didn’t. Really? I’m not sure that all blogs which are published are there to entertain. But hopefully whether entertaining or not, it will be a good read. A lovely day, albeit cold and rainy, an