Life Chez Dee Episode #5: Being Unique
We change. We change as we grow older. We change due to our experiences. But the way we are, is set when we are very small. Partly due to genetics, partly due to the nurturing we had. I am discovering more and more about myself as time goes on. Through my writing, through expression of my feelings and my experiences, I’m also discovering so much about myself … and through counselling I’m discovering even more.
I’m enjoying writing; I enjoy reading the feedback I receive … especially if its positive of course; I’m enjoying further discussing my blogs with those who have read them, as it has given me even more food for thought, more insight, more material.
But my writing is not just to help others; it is also my own counsel. I realise that I am a good counsellor to myself. So I let my thoughts out; order them; talk about them; understand them; process how to deal with them…. then let them go. I let them disappear into the great somewhere to make space for the next lot of thoughts to appear and to be dealt with. Like they’ve all been packed inside like sardines; crammed to bursting point. By taking them out one by one, processing and dealing with them, releasing them, making space for what’s left, allowing more thoughts to move forward. Hopefully, with more space, more thoughts will come, healthier thoughts. There will always be stuff to process and deal with … always …. But some of the historic stuff will have been dealt with and will have made more room for me to cope when I’m feeling overwhelmed.
I am, and always have been open and honest, and I have the same honesty in what I write. My writing has been well received, but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that it is very real, very honest and very raw. This was the analysis I heard today.
I know that some find my blogs a hard read, yet still a good read, because of the honesty to them. The truth is though, that I don’t feel my writing is emotionally hard to read – I thought I was only sharing the stuff which wasn’t emotionally too raw … there’s actually plenty that I’ve either not felt able to share, or felt that it was just too much to put out there for others. But the fact that there is a lot of openness, honesty and very raw emotion, that is what makes my writing different I’m told. Because people don’t open up like I do, they don’t share those painful, emotional, raw experiences and feelings. It’s not out there; it’s not really done; it’s not the norm. But that’s why it’s good; why it’s needed. It’s breaking down taboos. Talking about uncomfortable issues, experiences and emotions. Quite often, people don’t know what to say to me, they don’t want to talk about my story, my feelings, or ask about them. I don’t know if it’s fear of upsetting me, fear of saying the wrong thing, or fear of how they will feel. But by reading my blogs, people hear my story; they hear what I feel and what I think; they get that insight into my world. They might relate, they might empathise, but either way, they’re hearing my story, that’s real, it happened, it is happening. It is how it is.
I’m very much the same as Edward in that way. Very honest, very open, very heart on my sleeve, very real. No falseness, no pretence; no mask; nothing to hide behind. Many people mask their feelings; or bury their feelings, they pretend; they conform and they comply; they do what’s expected; what is the norm; not rocking the boat, not going out of their comfort zone, not challenging themselves, or others. I can’t do that, I’ve never done that, I will likely never do that. I am what I am, what you see is what you get. It has made me many friends, it has made many dislike me too, but I’d rather be honest, loyal, true to others, and true to myself; and I really like people who are of the same ilk.
Many sessions of counselling have led me to an understanding of who I really am. All my feelings, thoughts and pain has poured out. The more I spend time talking about things, and all my experiences, the more I question, but the more I understand … and it has been a very emotional process. All the pain, the confusion, the anger, the resentment, that lay buried, lay dormant, tucked away for self preservation, is all coming out. All the emotions I have supressed and buried for so long … for years in fact … are now coming to the forefront, no mask to cover it up … the real me, the raw me is out there, and in fact it leaves me in quite a vulnerable place; it leaves me open to criticism and challenge; it’s very emotional, yet very liberating, and with this understanding I feel so much more at one with myself.
I’m told it’s a special quality. I’m told I’m unique. I like that; I’ll take that. I tend to think of myself as a bit of a rebel; a bit of a boundary pusher. My honesty, integrity, loyalty, justice, empathy which I see as flaws, I’m told are qualities. So too I’m told is the ability to share my experiences with others, to put my writing out there into the great wide somewhere, not only for me, but for others, for the public, to open up to the universe, is something very special.
And if others can relate to it and it helps, then great; if it only means that others may have an insight into me, what I’ve been through, and go through daily, then great. This is the real me, what happened, and is happening. Only I have been through what I have been through. Nobody has lived my life. There may be similarities with other people, but nobody has had the same relationships with people; nobody else has had the same experiences; therefore nobody else is the same as me. And from now on I will continue to try and understand myself more, and celebrate my uniqueness.