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Life Chez Dee Episode #79: Goodbye 2020

1st January 2021 … a new year … new beginning … time to start anew.

After my first lie in of the new year, I awoke to find the upstairs landing full of William’s duvet, pillows, sheets etc etc. What on Earth happened in the night? Well, one of the cats had the shits it seems, all over William’s bed, which he didn’t discover till he eventually decided to make his way to bed in the early hours. What a great surprise that was for him. What a way to bring the new year in. I discovered him this morning sleeping in warm clothes, cushion for a pillow and a small blanket pulled over … well at least the mattress was intact!

Turns out it was Claude – he’s not ill – he’s not looking poorly at all – not off his food – so why has he got the shits? Probable cause … a mouse, I expect.

So a shitty start … literally, to 2021. Hopefully this is not a sign of what lies in store for us this year. I was hoping that 2021 would be a year much better for so many, but alas I fear that 2021 will be a year of much worry, and many battles to fight. I know so many who have struggled this year, through health, bereavement, loneliness, job losses, businesses struggling. Vaccines are on the way, and many who are so desperate to meet again with their loved ones can look forward to meeting up again. Staying home, and staying safe is the most important.

For some people, far too close to me, health has not been good for them; my mum and sister are very poorly, and are likely to face many treatments, many poorly, painful and down days, fighting, fighting, fighting to get through what life has cruelly thrown them. Not being able to be with them is hard, but I will do all I can to help them.

I go into 2021 knowing that this is another new year I face without my beautiful boy. Time does not heal, time highlights the emptiness, the sorrow and the darkness without my boy in this world, and in our lives. I miss Edward so desperately, I do so much in his name, giving him a legacy, his light burning brightly for me, for all, and yet his physical light is no more, only the light of his memory and his legacy remain shining and guiding us into another year.

Those who have flouted rules have really made my blood boil. Spreading the virus, risking the lives of others. Some of this has been right under my nose … flouted, shouted and gloated about all over social media too. Those of us who have stuck to the rules, thank you, we too have followed the rules, and I’m sorry that we are still in this mess, I’m sorry that people are bored, that they’re lonely, that they have businesses suffering, but I don’t want to have the death of others on my conscience. To those who do flout the rules, with your “I’m alright Jack” attitude, and not giving two hoots about the health and safety of others … I hope you can sleep well in your beds.

There have been many positives of 2020 for me, and in a way I will be sorry to see the back of it. I’ve enjoyed the slower pace of life, less chaos, family time together, Justin not having to work away. I’ve loved being able to teach Oliver, even though he did think I worked him too hard, and Summer holidays began earlier as he had brain ache! I have been grateful for the time the pandemic has given us. Time to be, take stock, recharge, re-evaluate, reprioritise. We are one of the fortunate families, I know that, and am thankful.

I worry about this year for William. The teaching year has been so mixed up, with so much remote learning, and William has found it hard to maintain motivation. He’s waiting on offers from Universities. Nothing is certain about his teaching, his time in college, whether A level mocks will take place, hoping that they’ll take place, hoping that final exams will take place. I’m really hoping and praying that they do. Only time will tell.

I worry about when he does go to University, what that experience might be. A year when it will be very different and my heart will ache once again for another of my children not here with me, but this time it is a heartache coupled with pride, and excitement for him as he embarks on his journey of independence and further learning. I’m proud of the man he has become and I’m sure he will do well.

I worry that Covid will be spread and his university experience will not be as it should. I worry about meningitis, naturally, I can’t but help worry about this cruel disease having taken one of my children already, it is only natural that I should worry about William going off to University, where so many are at risk of carrying meningitis, catching meningitis, even dying from meningitis.

I spent my 50th birthday in lockdown, and we were going to celebrate (the four of us) with a trip to Rome, which I was so excited about as we haven’t been back there since our honeymoon some 19 years ago. William is excited about this trip; studying A level ancient history, and wanting to study Classics at University, I’ve already told him he’ll be the tour guide for us. Anyway, this didn’t happen; hopefully 2021 will see us being able to have this trip, but I think that 2022 will be more likely!

I know we now have two vaccines approved. The Pfizer vaccine which has been issued to some, although there are so many still waiting. The very vulnerable, the elderly are still waiting, I know this as I know that my mum and my mum in law haven’t been called to have the vaccine still. Now I read there are fears of the vaccines not being administered properly, and those due for their second dose of the vaccine haven’t received it. The Oxford vaccine, nice and cheap can be rolled out en masse, but that will take time … lots of time, particularly with doses three months apart. The second dose of the Pfizer vaccine should be given two/three weeks after the first dose, and yet now it seems that our government have decided that they will wait three months before the second dose is given. The worry here is that this is not on the advice of Pfizer. All their tests were on the second dose being given much sooner. My worry is that if the second dose is not given then will Covid become resistant to the vaccine. In which case we’re all in trouble.

We all hope and pray for a better year, for health and happiness, and time with our loved ones once again. I hope and pray for this too, but being realistic, I don’t think any of this will happen any time soon. I hope I’m wrong.

Anyway, I’m off to order a new double duvet for William’s bed, which will be here on Monday! Meanwhile he’ll have to indoor camp and make do with a sleeping bag!




#writing #mythoughts #reallife #life #love #loss #fears #hopes #2020 #Goodbye2020 #newyear #reflections #thoughts #lifechezdee #family #struggles #health #mumslife #covidvaccine

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